I wish they all could be California penises, sung no one ever.

To prove it, the condom retailer Condomania has tallied orders from customers spanning two years. That's tens of thousands of Jim Hat sales, the site says.

See also: Big City Blues: L.A. Ranks 17th In Penis Size.

Then it ranked America's states by the condom sizes their residents purchased. California is the largest state in the union! ( ... if you measure it by population).

But unfortunately the mighty Golden State, the center of our universe, came in a puny 15th when it comes to penis size, according to Condomania's ranking, released this week.

What's even stranger about this state-vs.-state sword fight is that North Dakota topped the list.

Yes, the place you fly over as you're renewing your mile-high-club credentials just out-measured you. Bummer.

Must be the wide open country and cowboy culture. But wait: It's called the Peace Garden State. Yeah. As in the Garden of Eden?

Anyway, Rhode Island came next, so to speak, then South Dakota. Here's the whole list, from magnum to peewee:

North Dakota

Rhode Island

South Dakota

District of Columbia

Massachusetts

Ohio

Arizona

Alabama

New York

South Carolina

Colorado

Maryland

Wisconsin

New Jersey

California

Florida

Connecticut

Virginia

Oregon

Pennsylvania

Washington

Tennessee

Georgia

New Mexico

Iowa

Illinois

Louisiana

Vermont

Utah

Maine

Nebraska

Idaho

Kansas

Delaware

Michigan

Nevada

New Hampshire

Oklahoma

Montana

Minnesota

Kentucky

Texas

Indiana

West Virginia

Missouri

Alaska

North Carolina

Wyoming

Arkansas

Hawaii

Mississippi

(Haw-haw. Mississippi).

Condomania says it looked at the purchases from each state, including ...

... Lifestyles Snugger Fit condoms and the Iron Gripper Snugger Fit condoms, and larger sized condoms such as the popular Trojan Magnum condoms and the Lifestyles Skyn Large condoms.

So California guys, you have your work cut out for you. Go big. Or at least order the largest size you can next time. Even if they don't fit. Take one for the team.

Send feedback and tips to the author. Follow Dennis Romero on Twitter at @dennisjromero. Follow LA Weekly News on Twitter at @laweeklynews.